I Never Told You
by lost-in-madworld
Summary: The tour has been over for a few months, and Tommy is in love with Adam and just wants to tell him but is afraid that Adam will never talk to him again. Will Tommy be able to tell Adam how he feels? Adommy :
1. I miss you

**Okay this is my second attempt on writing a fanfic; the first one didn't work out so yeah, I deleted it. But this I hope will be better :D this story is gonna be mostly Tommy's Pov soooo yeah; I really hope you like it and I hope it doesn't suck as much as my first one. Enjoy! :D **

** Chapter 1: I miss you**

Nothing makes sense anymore, nothing. I just walk around pretending like I know what I'm doing, but everything is getting out of control. I should've told him when I had the chance, I should've told him everything, but I didn't. Well, let me fill you in a little bit. First off let me start off by saying, I'm an idiot, why am I an idiot? Well probably because I let the love of my life slip away without telling them how I feel. I mean yeah for a while I kept denying my feelings toward him, just telling myself over and over 'no Tommy you don't love him, you're straight' but I could only lie to myself for so long. But once I finally opened my eyes it was so all obvious to me. When he and I would hang out, cuddle, kiss, just plain look at each other, it just felt right, you know? Like when we were together it felt like we were the only two people in the world, he made me feel complete, happy, and just plain amazing. He'd let me cuddle with him whenever I wanted, he'd always be there when the stress started to get to me, he could just make everything better without even trying, yeah he's that amazing. Then, when I sort of started to accept my feelings towards him it was a little too late. It was the end of the tour then, and my plan was to once we all said our goodbyes and such once everyone else left I would go up to him and tell him let I loved him, of course let didn't work. After we all said goodbyes and blah, blah, blah I went straight up to him and opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Eventually I just told him that it wouldn't be the same not living together on the bus and I'd miss him and I gave him a hug, and that was it I let him walk away without telling him. So that is why I am here, lying on my floor, wishing I would've told him while I had the chance. Ever since the tour ended we haven't talked much, he's been really busy with friends, family, other people, interviews, working on his second album. He doesn't have time for me. I've tried to ask him to hang out before, but it's the same response every fucking time "Sorry I can't, too busy, but we should really hang out soon." I don't know what he means by soon, but it's been over a month since he's spoken to me. He's probably forgotten all about me, all about his tiny little bassist, he doesn't have time to talk to me, he doesn't have time to hang out with me, I don't matter anymore. He's found someone else anyway, his new _boyfriend. _I mean his boyfriend isn't a bad person or anything, he's actually really sweet, he's cute, he's funny, and he's everything Adam deserves. I shouldn't be upset about Adam having a boyfriend, Adam deserves to be happy, I just wish that I could've told him everything, I just wish he would've loved me too, I just wish I could have what he and his boyfriend have, all I want is Adam, but I am fully aware that I never can. But the least I deserve is a friendship with him right? I just want my friend back, I'm really tired of being ignored by him! Maybe I should call him, maybe he might actually have some time to hang out with me, maybe we could catch up, he could tell me about his album, and how his friends are doing, how, how his boyfriend is doing. Okay, maybe that's not a good idea, I love him, maybe it is bad for us to be friends, I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I mean seriously, would you want the person you love talking to you about the person that they love, who is obviously not you, and them not even knowing how much it's hurting you. Well maybe I could tell him that I love him, just get it off my chest, and then we could go back to normal, and he just won't talk about his boyfriend around me, but that would never work. Me telling him that I love him would just put a whole lot of stress on him that he doesn't need, he would probably start avoiding me more if I told him, but then again, I'll never know unless I try. I pull out my phone, shit what time is it? 1:00 am, and I've been lying on my floor for how long? I looked back at my phone, I dial in Adam's number, now do I press talk, or do I press off, 'Make up your fucking mind Tommy!' I take a deep breath and I press talk. _'Ring' _my heart beats faster, 'don't pick up, don't pick up' I tell myself. _'Ring' _what the hell am I going to say to him anyway? 'Oh hey Adam just wanted to call you and tell you I'm in love with you, ok bye!' Yeah that's defiantly gonna work! Shit, this was a bad idea I should just hang up and-

"Hello?" Fucccckkkkkk! "Hello?" he repeated, _'oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!' _What the fuck do I say? Okay stay calm Tommy just stay calm! Just say something simple.

"Hi." I said softly.

"Tommy?" his tone was

"Yeah?" I said, shit I probably shouldn't of called this late.

"What's up, are you okay?" He asked softly. 'No Adam I am not okay, I've never been okay without you.' I took a deep breath.

"I-I" my voice cracked, "I'm fine." I am trying really hard not to cry right now, just hearing his voice can bring tears to my eyes.

"Tommy…." He said, "I know you better then you know yourself, you are not fine, now tell me what's wrong." I just couldn't hold all of it back anymore , I started sobbing into the phone.

"Tommy?" his voice was dripping in concern, "are you still there?" I tried to speak between sobs.

"Yeah." I said softly.

"Tommy, I'm coming over there." He sounded so worried.

"Y-you d-don't have t-to." I said softly.

"I'm going to," he said, "I'll be there in a few minutes, just hang in there, I'll be there soon." Then he hung up and while I was lying there on my floor waiting for Adam Mitchel Lambert to show up at my door one thought came to mind. 'What the hell am I supposed to tell him?'

**Well there ya go Chapter 1 :) I'm just gonna say right now that I love Adam's new boyfriend, Sauli :) and in this story I am in no way ahting on him, it's just I love writing for Adommy and yeah, I would write for Saulbert, but I don't know enough about Sauli, so maybe someday I will. I really hope you liked it!**

**~Sarah :) **


	2. Please don't leave

**Chapter 2: Please don't leave. **

So here I am lying on the floor of my apartment, LOSING MY FUCKING MIND! Adam is going to be here any fucking minute and what the fuck do I say to him? 'Yeah hey Adam I just felt like calling you in the middle of the night to start having a fucking break down and drag away from your house at 1:30 in the fucking morning, and oh yeah did I tell you, I'm fucking in love with you too!'

I cover my face with my hands, I can't fucking do this anymore. I take a deep breath and get up from the floor and check my appearance in the mirror, Oh great I look like shit! I take another deep breath and I start bawling again, I can't do this, I can't see him, I just can't!

There's a knock at the door, oh great that's probably Adam, I'm gonna open the door looking like shit, tears and make-up running down my face, wearing the same outfit I was wearing three days ago, and extremely fucked up hair. He knocks again, I don't want to open the door, but I can't just ignore him. I sigh softly and walk over to my door, unlock it, and slowly open it, and there he is standing in front of me worry and concern covering his face and pulls me into a warm tight hug.

"Oh my god I was so worried about you." He whispers softly. Then he slowly and carefully lets go of me and looks right into my eyes.

I feel more tears find their way down my cheek, he wipes them away. I bring him into my apartment, and we sit down on the couch. I stare at my feet, I can feel him staring at me, the silence is so awkward, but seriously what am I supposed to say?

I look up at him for a spilt second, his eyes tell me everything, he's worried, scared even, and something else, but I can't quite tell what it is. He grabs my hand, I can feel my cheeks heat up, and my heart beat faster. I look back down at my feet, why did I decide to call him?

"Tommy, please look at me." He pleaded. I hesitantly looked him in the eyes. "Will you tell me what happened?" His voice was calm and gentle, but you could clearly hear the concern in it.

"I-I can't tell you." I said softly.

"Why not?" He asked.

"B-because you'll never talk to me again if I tell you." I said my voice was barely audible, but he could hear me.

"Thomas Joe Ratliff why would you even think that?" he asked. I let out a shaky breath and curled up against him.

"Please don't make me tell you." I whispered softly.

"I won't," He responded in a whisper as he wrapped his arms around me, "for now." I sobbed softly into his shoulder as he held me and rubbing my back and saying things like, 'Shhh its ok Glitterbaby' and 'don't worry sweetie everything will be ok'

Then he started softly singing to me and it was enough to calm me down, my sobbing started turning into soft hiccups, and then we were just sitting there on my couch. He was still rubbing my back, but now he was just humming. I closed my eyes and leaned closer to him and I slowly drifted to sleep to the sound of his heartbeat.

I woke up I think maybe 4 hours later, the sun was just coming up. I looked up at Adam; I was still wrapped in his arms. I shift a little in his arms and he looks down at me, how long has he been awake?

"Morning Sleep Head." He says softly and brushes a strand of hair out of my face, my heart beats faster.

"Morning," I say softly, "have you been awake this whole time?"

"Yeah," He says, "couldn't sleep."

"Why not?" I ask.

"Dunno," He said sounding lost, "just got lots on my mind I guess."

I shifted again and tried to fix my hair a little but of course failed miserably, I sighed and sat back. "So," he said, "how'd you sleep?"

"Um okay….I guess." I sighed softly and shifted again, I wasn't comfortable here with Adam, it just felt awkward, and I don't know why. I sighed again and held my hand in my hands.

"What's wrong glitterbaby?" He asked softly as he lifted my head out from my hands. I looked up at him; did I mention how beautiful he looked? I softly smile touched my lips and the tension was gone.

"Nothing." I said softly, I'm not exactly lying. He was about to say something when his phone started to ring.

"Hold that thought." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. As he looked at the screen he smiled softly and answered it, "Hey baby, what's up?" It was Sauli.

I sighed softly and stared at my hands and listened to Adam talk to his boyfriend. "Okay honey, see you then, _I love you_, bye." I watched as he hung up his phone, put it back in his pocket, and then pull all of his attention back to me. I sighed softly, so Adam couldn't hear, _he'll never love me like he loves him. _I looked at the floor, and stayed silent.

"Tommy," said Adam, "Tommy are you okay?" I looked up at him trying to hide the pain in my eyes.

"I'm fine," I said softly and got up from the couch. '_Just fine.' _ I walked over to my kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge.

"Well okay," said Adam as he stood, "I'm gonna have to get going soon, I have to meet Sauli for breakfast." He walked closer to me. "Are you gonna be okay here by yourself?" he asked.

"Are you sure?" He asked softly.

"Yes, I'm sure." I said as I walked over to my garbage to throw away the empty water bottle. He looked unsure of my answer; I could tell by his eyes, his eyes always have everything away. I walked over to him, and put my hand on his shoulder. "Adam I'm fine, go spend time with your boyfriend, I'll be okay."

"You're positive you'll be okay?" He asked.

"Yes!" I said damn he has hard to convince, "now go." He gave me a hug goodbye and told me he's give me a call later and with that he left. I sighed to myself and walked to my bathroom, and once I looked in the mirror, I knew I had to take care of this. I took a quick shower and fixed my hair and make-up and changed my clothes, I looked into the mirror again, well at least I didn't look like some sort of creature you'd see in a monster movie.

I ran my hand through my hair and back out to my living room and started flipping through my phone. When I came across Adam's number I had to fight the urge to call him, I'm not making that mistake again. I mean well it wasn't that big of a mistake, but c'mon Adam's gonna be super nosey now and soon enough he'll figure **EVERYTHING** out and then it'll be all awkward between us.

My phone rang and I literally jumped of the couch, I'm such a fucking girl sometimes. I looked at the caller ID it read 'Adam' Of course. He just had to be calling me right now; I sighed and answered my phone.

"Hello?" I said softly.

"Hey Tommy," He said cheerfully, "I was just checking up on you is everything alright?"

"Yup, everything's just great." I said sarcastically.

"Tommy seriously," He said, "I'm not an idiot, what's going on?"

"Nothing," I sighed, "everything's fine."

"Tommy, you know I love you, you're like a brother to me, my best friend," He paused, "You better not be lying to me." I felt a tear roll down my cheek, I can't do this, I can't keep lying to him, it's hurting both of us, and that's the last thing I wanted to do, but then again, he said that I was his best friend, did I really want to ruin that by admitting my feelings? "Tommy, you still there?" his voice was soft, gentle, maybe he would understand if I told him how I feel.

"Adam," I tied to sound confident, but failed miserably, "I have something I need to tell you."

"What is it sweetie?" He asked.

"I can't tell you over the phone." I said softly.

"Well okay," he said softly, "do you wanna hang out tonight and you can tell me then?"

"Sure." I said slowly.

"Okay I'll pick you up at 9:00, see you tonight Glitterbaby." We hung up and I went into my room to rest, this was gonna be a long night…..

**Well there ya go, Chapter 2, I'm really starting to like writing this, it's really fun, I hope to have the next chapter up within the next 2 days, sorry for the delay on this one. Anyways I hope you liked it!**

**~Sarah :) **


	3. Tonight I'm Loving you

** I just wanted to apologize of my spelling mistakes in chapter 2 O.o I didn't really edit very well, and I have no idea how many times I used the word 'fuck' lol :) Anyways here's Chapter 3, I'd like to dedicate this Chapter to my best friend Kaitlyn, this one's for you boo ;) Enjoy! **

**Chapter 3: Tonight I'm loving you. **

It's 8:45 and I'm waiting for Adam to get here. I run my hand through my hair and start to pick at my nail polish, it's a habit. I sigh softly and go and try to sit down and relax, okay so I'm REALLY nervous right now. I check my phone for the time again 8:55 I try to calm my nerves by getting a bottle of water and drinking it, doesn't work, I try to listen to some music, doesn't work. I sigh again, I just need to relax, just don't think about what you're going to tell him, don't even think about him period.

I lie down on my couch again, and close my eyes. I pull out my iPod and put on one of Adam's songs, and it seems to calm me a little bit, has music always has that effect on people. Minutes pass, but I'm not sure how many. I check my phone 9:30, where's Adam? Another 5 minutes pass, I'm almost asleep, why am I so tired? Oh yeah maybe that's cause I haven't had a full night of sleep in a week. There's a loud knock on the door, and I flip off the couch, god I am such a fucking dork.

I got up and walked over to the door, and opened it. Adam was standing in front of me looking hot as usual. He smiles at me and runs a hand through his hair.

"Hey Glitterbaby," He says, "sorry I'm late, I kind of um, uh lost track of time with Sauli…" I turn away a little and roll my eyes so he can't see.

"It's fine." I say softly.

"So kitty," he says, "you ready to go?"

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"Well," he says, "I just think that since you've been so….depressed lately I'm gonna take you out to have some fun."

"Where?" I ask curious as to what he has in mind.

"Oh just a club," He says, "Now c'mon let's go." He takes my hand and drags me out of my apartment. He brings me out to his car, and we get in, and then we're driving to who knows where. It was silent for a while between both of us; the only sound was coming from the radio.

"So," Adam says not taking his eyes off the road, "what did you want to tell me?" I think about telling him, but decided against it, I'll tell him later tonight, when the time is right.

"I'll tell you later tonight." I say softly.

"Ughhh, but I wanna know nowwwww!" Adam says like an impatient 5 year old. I chuckle softly and shake my head.

"Patience Babyboy." I say.

"I don't have patience!" He says and chuckles softly.

"Oh well," I say, "you're not finding out till later!"

"Ughhh fine!" He says and starts to pout; he is so god damn adorable. I smile softly and him and he smiles at me. He parks his car in front of a huge club with a huge line of people waiting outside, we both get out and he locks his car behind us. He walks up to the way front of him and I follow close behind. There's a really tall, kind of scary looking guy standing in front of the door.

"He's with me." Adam says motioning to me. The guy lets us both in and we enter the club. It's kind of dark inside and the music is so loud you can barely hear yourself think. There's a ton of people on the dance floor, some look like they're about to have sex right there on the floor, it kind of makes me sick. I look over to the other side of the club, there's a bar, but I probably shouldn't get drunk, I have something I have to do, no matter how much I don't want to be sober.

Adam looks down at me and grabs my hand, he leads me toward the bar, he motions for the bartender and orders himself a drink.

"What do you want Glitterbaby?" He asks me.

"Just water." I say.

"Are you feeling alright?" he asks me, "you never pass up free booze!" I chuckle softly.

"I'm fine, I just have something important to do," I say.

"Whatever." He says, a few minutes later the bar tender comes back with my water and Adam's drink. We both take sips of our drinks, and Adam looks at me.

"So, what have you been up to since the tour ended?" He asked.

"Nothing really," I say, "just hanging out with my friends I guess, how's the album going?"

"Great." He says and takes another sip of his drink. It's quiet for a few minutes and Adam's working on his second drink, then a third, then fourth.

"Let'sssss dannnnnceeee!" Adam says standing and grabbing my hand. He pulls me out to the dance floor and starts grinding me, not that I'm complaining. After a few minutes of dancing he pushes me into a wall, and my heart starts exploding in my chest. He pulls me into a wet dirty kiss, and my whole body starts shaking in ecstasy. '_Tommy you have to stop this' _that damn voice in the back of my head tells me, _'He's drunk, he doesn't know what he's doing, stop before you both make a mistake!' _ Can't you just shut up and let me enjoy this!

I wrap my hands around his neck and I kiss him back passionately, and he wraps his arms around my waist. My heart is about to explode out of my chest, I wouldn't be standing if Adam wasn't holding me up. He let's go of me, and I can see the lust in his eyes.

"Let's go back to your place." He whispers seductively and grabs my hand. We walk out of the club together and Adam is stumbling, I try to hold him up.

"Adam where are your keys?" I ask him.

"Inn mmmmyyyy pocketttt." He slurs. I reach into his pocket and dig out his keys. I help him into the passenger seat and then I go over into the driver's seat and start the car. While we drive Adam's singing along to the radio, and dancing in his seat. '_Tommy, you can't have sex with him, he has a boyfriend, and he's DRUNK he doesn't know what he's doing!' _ I sighed softly and looked over at him; I can't take advantage of him….

Once we arrive at my building and we walk up to my apartment, once we walk in he's all over me. His lips are on mine, and he's practically mouth fucking me. _'Tommy, stop!' _my mind tells me, but I can't I'm enjoying this way too much. He pulls me over to my bed and practically rips off my shirt. He takes his shirt off too, and then continued to mouth fuck me. Still that damn voice in the back of my head won't shut the fuck up! _'Tommy you know this is wrong, you can't take advantage of him like this, what's he gonna say when he wakes up in the morning, and knows you were perfectly sober tonight.' _ Well that voice does have a point…..but he's probably no going to remember any of this right?

I don't know what to do, do I take advantage of my best friend, or do I push him off of me and tell him that he doesn't know what he's doing and he needs to stop? I know what I want, I want to make love with him, but this isn't really making love is it? I mean it's technically like rape, right? I mean he's drunk, I'm sober, it counts, I guess. I put my hand s on his shoulders and push him off of me; he gives me a puzzled look.

"Why'ddd ya pussshhh me off you?" He slurred.

"Adam….you don't want this you're drunk, you have a boyfriend." I say.

"Hooooww doo you knowww whattt I want anddd don'ttt want." He said.

"Adam, I know you probably won't remember this, but I care too much about you to make a mistake like this, and Adam don't get me wrong I want you really badly, but I just can't do that to you, you have no idea what you're doing, and I'm not going to take advantage of you." I say.

"Welllll," it's really hard to understand what he's saying, "ifff ya wannntt mee soooo bad, just letttt me take careee of you…" He pushes me back down on my bed and attempts to take off my pants.

"Adam, stop," I say, "Please you're making a mistake." He looks up at me and kisses me on my cheek.

"Jussssstttt shutttt upppp, I knowww whattt I'mmm doiinggg." He manages to take off my pants and boxers and then I am completely exposed in front of him.

"Adam…please stop, you don't know what-"he puts his finger on my lips.

"Justttt shutttt upppp, anddd letttt meee take careee off yoooouuu." He leans down and kisses me; I can taste the alcohol on his breath. He moves down my body until his mouth is just inches from my dick, I can feel his breath. My heart is exploding in my chest, my body is shaking, and my mind won't shut the fuck up. He wraps his lips around my dick, and oh my god…..

"Adam…." I moan, he starts sucking and bobbing his head. Oh my fucking god…..I-I can't even think straight right now, Adam Fucking Lambert, the love of my life, is giving me a fucking blow job! It's not long until I'm shooting into his mouth and then I'm screaming Adam's name, and he's looking up at me, wiping his mouth. He asked me if I had changes my mind yet about the sex, and I told him I hadn't.

Then he was lying next to me fast asleep, and I was lying there on my bed, still panting, thinking, what the fuck just happened?

**Okay so there you go Chapter 3, just saying I'm really new to the whole um writing that sort of stuff, so if it kind of sucked sorry….I was like blushing the whole time I was writing it :) I'll have the next Chapter up probably tomorrow :)**

**~Sarah :) **


	4. Mistakes

**Chapter 4: Mistakes**

I woke up the next morning to someone shaking my arm; I had finally been able to fall asleep after Adam and I-yeah…. Anyway I only got in like two hours of sleep until I was woken up. I turned a little and moaned softly, please just let me sleep….

"Tommy…" his voice was soft at first, but then grew louder, "Tommy!" I opened my eyes and he was staring at me, he looked confused. I looked at myself, oh shit I'm still naked. I felt my cheeks heat up, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! "Tommy, what happened last night?" I just stared at him, looking like an idiot, oh god this was a huge mistake, I shouldn't have let him blow me, I shouldn't have even let him kiss me! But I got carried away….I'm just a selfish asshole, I made him cheat on his boyfriend! _'You tried to stop him' _my mind tells me. "Tommy?"

"I-I um…." What was I supposed to say?

"Tommy," he grabbed my shoulders, "what the fuck happened last night?" I let out a shaky breath, "Just…." He sighed "please tell me we didn't..."

"No," I paused, "well, not exactly."

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"I um…" I said, "well when we were at the club, you uh got really drunk, then you started to make-out with me, and uh then we came back her and uh…"

"And what Tommy?" He asked me, the look in his eyes told me everything, he was shocked, confused, and, and angry…? Why would he-oh I'm guessing he's mad at me.

"You um-we um…" I paused, "once we got back here you were um sort of all over me, and then we were on my bed, and um, you wanted to have sex, but I uh kept telling you that you didn't want to because you were drunk, and then uh you ended up um blowing me, and uh, then you went to sleep." I looked at his reaction, he was holding his head in his hands saying something like like 'oh my god, oh my god'

"Adam, I-I'm so sorry." I put my hand on his.

"Please, don't touch me," He whispered, I took my hand away, "why didn't you stop me?"

"I-I don't….know." I whispered.

"You don't know! Tommy you made me cheat on my fucking boyfriend, and you don't even have a fucking good reason why!" He yelled.

"Adam," I said softly, "what was I supposed to do?"

"Um I don't know maybe tell me to stop and bring me home!" He yelled, "God Tommy, by the things that I remember from last night you acted like you were in love with me or something!" My heart sank; I was now holding back tears. "I mean who are you anyway, I would've thought you would've stopped me, you're straight Tommy, and I remember you being sober!" A tear slid down my cheek, Adam didn't see it.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. He looked at me, he looked pissed beyond belief.

"I-"He said, "I don't even know what to say to you anymore." He got up from the bed, grabbed his shirt, and headed towards the door.

"Adam," He stopped, "wait." He turned around to face me, he still looked extremely pissed.

"What?" He asked anger in his voice. Just say it Tommy, say it, _'Adam, I love you.' _SAY IT!

"Adam I-." My voice breaks.

"What, Tommy?" He still sounded angry.

"I um-"I take a breath, "I really am sorry Adam I wish I could turn back the clock, but I _can't,_ people make mistakes Adam, and I've made a hell of a lot lately, but there's nothing I can do about it, I wish I could just change everything and be perfect, but I can't, and hate me if you want Adam, I just don't care anymore."

He took a deep breath, he didn't look as mad anymore; he walked a few steps closer.

"Tommy," He said, "I know you're sorry, but what happened it just, it was a mistake, I didn't want it to happen, because of it I cheated on my boyfriend, and you know how I feel about cheaters, and just knowing that you were completely sober and still did it, it makes me sick Tommy, I really thought you were better than that." My tears were almost impossible to hold back, each word he spoke was like a stab in the heart.

I think about telling him that I told him to stop, that I told him that he didn't want it, I thought about telling him that even when he was about to-yeah I still told him to stop, but it doesn't even matter. He wouldn't care, I still should've done more, I just don't want to fucking fight anymore. I sighed softly to myself and hid my face in my hand so I could let my tears escape. I knew I should've just stopped being friends with him, I knew I should've just stayed where I was and not called him.

It was all a mistake, just one giant mistake, I shouldn't have fallen for my best friend, who also happens to be my boss, I fucked everything up, and there's nothing I can do about it. I couldn't tell if he was still in the room or not, and there was no way in hell I was looking up to check. More tears escaped my eyes, but I still tried to hold my sobs back.

"I am so fucking sorry." I whispered softly.

"I know you are Tommy," so he's still here, "it's just I just can't be around you right now." I heard my door shut and I looked up threw my tears, Adam left. I curled up in a ball on my bed and started to sob uncontrollably. I got up from my bed put on my boxers and went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, and I just wanted to fucking punch myself in the face. I threw some water on my face and looked at myself again.

"I love you Adam," I whispered to myself, "I really fucking do."

**I'm sorry, but I probably won't have the next chapter up until Easter, I have a lot going on and yeah….I might have it up earlier, but I'm never sure. I hope you liked the chapter :) **

**~Sarah **


	5. Forgive Me

**Chapter 5: Forgive Me**

It's been 3 days since Adam and I had that fight, he still won't talk to me, I don't blame him. I was a selfish asshole who only cared about himself, I took advantage of him, and I'll always regret it. But I was also mad at him, I mean I tried to stop him, but he still blamed me for everything, I was his best friend, I made a mistake, I wish he would just forgive me. Then again I really don't deserve to be forgiven I mean, it's not like he knew that would happen if he got drunk, he doesn't even know I'm in love with him.

I sighed loudly to myself, why must I be a fucking idiot all the time? I should've really listened to that voice in the back of my head, I should have stopped it before it got out of hand, but no I just had to be selfish, look where that got me! I lost my best friend! I'll never forget the words he said to me, never. It hurt like hell to see him so angry, to see him so hurt, and to know that I caused all of it, it makes me hate myself. I probably should hate myself, I deserve it, I took advantage of my best friend when he was fucking drunk, I need to be fucking punched in the face!

I sighed again and walked over to my mirror, I looked horrible. My make-up was all over my face, my hair looked like I had just been in a tornado, and my eyes were bright red from crying do much. I slapped myself across the face.

"You need to get ahold of yourself, Tommy." I whispered to myself. I walked back out to my living room and lie on the couch. I let my tears once again soak my cheeks, why was I such a horrible person? Why do I always make so many mistakes? Why when I try to make everything better I just end up making everything worse? I curl up into a ball and start to sob, I'm so tired of this happening, I'm so tired of fighting, I'm so tired of lying, I'm so tired of pretending, I can't do this anymore. No matter what I do it still gets worse, I can't do anything right, ever.

My crying seems to calm down a little bit, and then I'm lying there again, in the same spot, thinking the same thing. There's one thing I want, but I can't have it. There's one thing I want to do, but I can't do it. There's one thing I want to say, but I can't say it. I sigh once again, and shift my position on the couch, I grab my phone, I need something or somewhere to vent. I pulled up twitter, hay what was I supposed to do. I wrote '_I just want to be dead, nothing matters anymore.' _Hmm should I post it? Ah fuck it, I will, after all nothing matters anymore, right?

I clicked _'Tweet' _and within a few seconds there were hundreds of tweets from glamberts asking me 'What's wrong and 'Oh myfreakingod Tommy what happened' and 'Nooooo Tommy you can't die, we love you!' At least the Glamberts still liked me….

After a few minutes of reading their tweets, I decided I wouldn't post anymore tweets, who the hell cares anyway, right? I set my phone down and curled up in a ball again, and cried a little more. A half an hour later a heard a soft knock on my door, who the hell is that? It's like 3 in the fucking morning. I got up from my couch, unlocked my door, and slowly pulled it open.

Standing in front of me was a teary eyed Adam, his hair was a mess, and he looked like a complete and utter wreck. His face was covered in worry, and once he saw me relief washed over his face, but he still looked so worried. I'm sure I looked extremely confused, he's supposed to be pissed at me, but here he is at my door at 3 in the fucking morning. After a moment he wrapped his arms around me, and pulled me into a warm hug.

"C-can I come in?" He asked. We pulled away and a nodded 'yes' slowly. I moved to let him in and closed the door behind us. He sat down on my couch and I sat next to him. After a moment he grabbed my hand, and looked me in the eyes.

"I am so fucking sorry, Tommy." He whispered. I gave him a confused look, so he kept talking, "it's all my fault, I over reacted about the whole thing, we're best friends I shouldn't have let it get between us. Even though I was drunk I still remember you telling me to stop, but I wouldn't, I'm so sorry I said all those things to you, and I'm so sorry I made you want to die, I care so much about you, I couldn't live without you, I'm so sorry I hurt you so badly, Can you ever forgive me?" I was so stunned.

"Adam," I whispered, "I should be the one apologizing to you, it was my fault, I should've just brought you home but I didn't I got carried away, I let my-" I stopped I almost said I let my feelings get in the way. He gave me a confused look.

"You let your what, Tommy?" He asked curious to know what I was going to say.

"Never mind." I whispered.

"Tell me, please." He pleaded

"I just uh, I let what I was going to tell you mess with my brain." I whispered.

"Oh yeah, by the way, what were you going to tell me?" He asked. My heart pounded in my chest, my cheeks heated up, should I tell him?

"I-I um was going to umm tell you um…" I whispered my hands started shaking, my heart was about to explode, my cheeks were bright red.

"What were you going to tell me?" he asked.

"I-I can't tell you." I whispered.

"Why not?" he asked softly, and started massaging circles in my hand.

"I-I'm afraid of what you'll think." I whispered.

"There's nothing you can say that will make me think any less of you, I love you Tommy, you can tell me anything you know that."

"_IloveyouAdam." _I said softly in a mushed up sentence, I could barely understand myself.

"What was that?" he asked, "I couldn't understand you."

Took one deep breathe you can do this Tommy, you can do this, I looked into his eyes. "I love you Adam." I whispered.

"I love you to Tommy, you know that, now what did you want to tell me." I shook my head a little he gave me a confused look.

"Adam, I really love you." I whispered, my cheeks grew warmer, he stooped massaging circles in my hand, I swear he even stopped breathing.

"Oh." He said softly. I wanted to just run away, god I knew this would happen.

"I'm sorry Adam, just forget what I said." I whispered and tried to get up but he pulled me back down.

"No," he whispered, "you can't just tell me you love me then run away." He sighed softly and looked me in the eyes. "How long?"

"What?"

"How long have you," He paused, "felt this way…"

"Um I dunno since for like a year or so." I whispered.

"God I'm an idiot," he whispered, "I should've seen it, I must have hurt you so badly, god I'm so sorry."

"Don't be Adam," I whispered, "you didn't know, I just I didn't want to ruin our friendship." He sighed again and looked me in the eyes. He cupped my cheek and I leaned into his touch. He leaned closer in and his lips slowly but softly touched mine. He softly slowly pulled away and looked right into my eyes.

"I love you too, Tommy."

**Well there you guys go Chapter 5 :D I wrote this Chapter in like an hour, it kind of wrote itself. I'll probably have the next one up by tomorrow, if not I'll defiantly have it up by Monday, I hope ya'll liked it ;) **

**Happy Easter! :D**

**~Sarah 3 **


	6. I love you

**This chapter is dedicated to one of my best friends, Marren. Thank you Boo for giving me so much support for this story, you're the reason I'm still posting chapters, and you always give me positive feedback. I love you boo, thanks for the support 3 Enjoy! :) **

**Chapter 6: I love you.**

"I love you too." Adam whispered after he had kissed me. Wait what? Did he just say he loved me too? Okay I'm about to have a fucking heart attack. He held his hand up to my cheek, and leaned in to kiss me again. My heart pounded in my chest as his lips softly touched mine. I could feel everything in his kisses, his fears, his feelings, his thoughts, everything, but it still felt like that there was something missing, something that just wasn't there. But maybe I'm just going crazy, nothing's missing, right? I pushed all thoughts aside as he deepened the kiss.

His arms wrapped around me and he lay me on the couch, our kisses turn dirty fast, and it's not long until he's practically mouth-fucking me. His hands move into my hair and he pulls on it softly, a moan escapes from my throat. I can feel him smirking against my lips. He slowly removes his lips from mine and plants them right onto my neck. He softly bits the sensitive skin and another moan escapes my throat. As he continues to do the deadly assault on my neck, his hands move down to my shirt and he slowly takes it off and throws it across the room.

He moves his lips from my neck down to my nipples. He starts licking me and softly nipping my nipples, more moans erupt from my throat. I can feel myself grow harder as he continues to do this to me. I can feel him unbutton my pants and start to pull them down, my cheeks grow warmer. Once he has my skinnies completely off and throws the material somewhere across the room. He looks down at me, I can see the lust in his eyes, but I can also see a hint of guilt, but that is soon forgotten as he places his lips on mine again pulling me into another dirty kiss.

He pulls away from our kiss and smirks down at me. He pulls down my briefs and his eyes grow wide, and my cheeks turn bright red.

"My, my someone's excited." He whispers. I try to hide my face with my hands but he grabs my wrist before I can. "Don't," he whispers softly, "I want to see your face." I don't think it was possible, but I felt my cheeks grow even warmer, I don't know what it is about him, he just makes me so, flustered.

He picks me up and carries me into my bedroom and drops me onto my bed. Then he rips off his shirt, and pants. Then I am staring at this beautiful man before me, almost completely naked. What some people would do to be in my position right now. My hearts beats faster, and my cheeks grow warmer as he takes off his briefs and throws them onto the floor, and then I'm lying there heart about to explode, face as red as a tomato, staring at the famous glambulge. He gets onto the bed and straddles my waste; he kisses my cheek and smirks.

"You're blushing Glitterbaby," he whispers into my ear, "It's cute." My blush deepens. I try to hide my face again, but yet again he won't let me. He looks at me, a look of mixed feelings; he looked as if he was fighting with himself, but what about? He snapped out of his trance, then placed his lips on mine once again and slowly moved down my body. He stopped at my waste and looked up at me and smiled softly.

He moves down to my dick and slowly wraps his lips around me. A moan erupts from my throat and I feel him smirk around my dick. Right before I'm about to cum he removes his lips from my dick. He looks up at me again, and inserts two fingers into my mouth. I lick and suck his fingers until he pulls them out of my mouth. He slowly pushes my legs apart, and I feel my heart beat speed up, and my body start to shake. He looks up at me again.

"You ready?" He asks, I take a deep breath, and look at him, I try to speak, but I'm unable to, so I nod my head slowly. He pushes one digit in slowly and my heart rate speeds up more, it hurts, but yet it feels so good.

"Adam…" I moan softly. He smiles and pushes the digit in further, and curls his finger, and oh my god. He hits something inside of me, I have no idea what it is, but it feels so fucking good. "Adam…." I moan louder.

"I love it when you say my name." he whispers. He pulls out the digit, only to shove it back it, and I moan again. Soon he adds another, getting me ready for what's to come. After a while he pulls his fingers out and looks back up at him. My body is shaking, I'm still blushing, and I'm covered in sweat. A soft smile graces his lips and he looks back down. I feel a pressure at my hole and my heart beats even faster.

"Tommy," He whispers, "are you sure you want to do this?" I take another deep breath and nod slowly, he caresses my cheek.

"Don't worry baby I'll be gentle." He whispers and kisses my cheek. I nod my head slowly again, and he slowly pushes in. I scream out in pleasure and pain and I can feel tears form in my eyes.

"Do you want me to stop?" He asks softly.

"No," I whisper, "please don't." I close my eyes and hide my face in my hair.

"Tommy, please look at me." He whispers. I slowly look up at him, he's staring down at me, with a look of passion, lust, love, and….something I can't quite put my finger on…

"I love you." I whisper. He smiles softly at me, and then pushes farther in, I scream out again, it's ok, I can do this. I look back up at him; he looks worried, and seems to be in a world of his own. He starts thrusting into me, and it doesn't hurt as much anymore, there's more pleasure then pain.

"Adam" I moan his name loudly, and he smirks.

"Scream my name." he whispers.

"ADAM…!" I scream his name as I start to cum, I feel a warm liquid fill my ass and he slowly pulls out of me. I grab I sheets and clean off my chest. Adam lies next to me and wraps his arm around me. For a while, silent, and I feel like there something he's not telling me.

"I love you Adam…" I whisper softly.

"Yeah…you too." He whispers.

**Well there ya go chapter 6! :D I'm so sorry it took me so long to update, I've been really busy, and I had really bad writers block, and yeah….was not fun…But I got me so ideas floating around in my head for the next few chapters :) I got inspired by watching this anime and listing to Katy Perry's E.T. :) I'll probably post the next chapter sooner than this one took me, but I hope you liked it, just saying I'm not used to writing stuff like this :\ so if it sucked….sorry! And I would just like to say one thing….Marren…I MISSED YOU SO MUCH WHEN YOU WERE IN DC! :) Hee Hee, Love you Muchacha**

**~Sarah :) **


	7. Regrets

**Since I highly doubt that my friend, Marren liked the last chapter, I'm going to dedicate this one to her as well, since she's weird and doesn't like that kinda stuff ;) Anyways here's chapter 7 :) **

**Chapter 7: Regrets**

I woke up to the sun streaming down on my face from the window. I turned a little, and a felt a sharp pain in my lower region, and I start to blush remember last night. I look over at Adam, he's awake, but looks like he's in a world of his own, he's been acting really weird ever since last night, did I do something wrong. He notices me staring at him; he fakes a smile, and runs a hand through his hair.

"Oh um, g-good morning." He says softly.

"Um, good morning to you, too….?" I say suspiciously, he knows I can see past his lies, but yet he still tried to fool me? Doesn't he know that I hate it when he does this? If he knows that I know what he's doing, why doesn't he just come out and tell me what's wrong? He gets up from the bed and starts to put on his clothes; he won't even look at me. What's up with him? Why won't he look at me?

"A-Adam…" I whisper.

"Yes?" he asks softly, still refusing to look at me.

"Is everything alright," I whisper, "You've been acting….strange."

"I'm fine." He snaps softly.

"Are you sure?" I asked worried.

"Yes," he pauses to sigh, "I'm sure." Once he has all of his clothes on he walks out to my living room, I quickly get out of my bed and put on my briefs and skinny jeans. I follow him out to the living room and I see him standing at the door.

"Adam." I say.

"What." He snaps.

"I-Why won't you talk to me?" I ask, He turns to look at me, my heart drops; his expression is a mix of guilt, pain, and regret. I try to tell myself it's nothing, but is it really? I've known him long enough to know when something's up, and to know what it is, but I don't want to admit what I already know. I don't want to face the truth, not anymore, I'm tired of this shit! I'm tired of running around with all these feelings and not knowing what to do, and whatever the hell Adam's thinking…..it can't be good, I can read him like a book.

He sighs softly and looks at me, I can tell he doesn't want to say what he's about to tell me.

"I never wanted to hurt anybody." He whispers.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"You know damn well what I mean," He whispers louder, "with all that's been going on all I wanted to do was make you happy, to see you smile again, I couldn't stand to see you like that, I was just trying to help, but then everything got so confusing, and god I didn't even know what I was doing." He pauses then continues, "it's just that when you told me all those things, I didn't know what to say, I mean I didn't want to hurt you so I just, god I don't know what I've gotten myself into."

I just stand there staring at him, so did he really mean what he said last night, or did he just feel sorry for me? Did he just say that so I wouldn't get hurt? Well news flash Adam, telling someone that you love them and not meaning it will hurt the person even more!

"So you didn't mean it…" I whisper

"Mean what?" He asks.

"You didn't mean it when you said you loved me, did you?" I ask.

"Well, I mean of course I love you Tommy, you're my best friend, you're like maybe a brother to me, we're so close how could I not love you, it's just I mean we both don't love each other in _that way, _right? I mean you're straight, I'm gay, and you're just confused that's all."

Am I hearing all of this right, did he just say I didn't love him, after I fucking admitted it to him last night! Does he seriously think that meant nothing? That I'm just confused! He's the fucking confused one. I sigh quite loudly, no, no! I'm not going to take this I'm in love with you Adam, you have to admit that, no matter how hard it is to believe, I'm bi! And you have to know that! I'm not going to go around pretending like I'm your straight little bassist, who you give meaningless kisses to on stage, no not anymore! I don't want to pretend like I'm not in love with you!

"Tommy," he whispers, "are you alright?" No I'm not alright, I'm the farthest thing from alright, I'll never be alright, at least not anymore. I sigh again.

"Yes," I whisper, "I-I'm alright." He sighs again then looks at me seriously; he only does that when he has something important to say.

"Tommy," he whispers, "can we just forget about last night, and just forget it ever happened." My heart broke as he spoke those words, I guess it really did mean nothing to him, I guess I mean nothing to him. I'll always be nothing to him; I'm just Tommy, that's all I'll ever be. He keeps staring at me, waiting for my reply, I don't think I can bring myself to say those words, I don't want to forget about it, I don't want to pretend it never happened. I sighed again and tried to hold back my tears, I have to be strong, I can't let him see me cry, I can't let him know I'm not okay.

"Y-yeah," I whisper, "we can just forget about it." He smiles a little, his expression turns to relief, mine doesn't change at all. He reaches towards the door, but then turns around and looks at me.

"Tommy," he says, "we're still friends right, I mean what happened won't change anything right?" I sigh sadly then look up at him; I put my hand on his shoulder.

"We're still friends," I whisper, "remember nothing ever happened between us." He smiles a little at then then gives me a pity hug, and leaves. Then I am leaning against my wall, door wide open, balling my fucking eyes out.

**Well there ya go! :D Depressing right? I kind of feel in a depressed mood so ya my writing reflects my mood, I've ran into a little bit of heartbreak lately so ya, I just wanted to let my feelings out, but don't worry, it'll all get better! :) Every story that I write has a happy ending….most of the time…MWAHAHA! :D Anyways I hope you liked it! :) **

**~Sarah **


	8. Tired of Heartbreak

**Chapter 8: Tired of Heartbreak **

It's been two weeks since Adam last talked to me, he probably still feels awkward about the whole sex thing, but maybe he should open up his fucking eyes and think about what I'm feeling. I mean sure he doesn't quite know, but c'mon, it should be obvious enough! I mean c'mon, he seriously couldn't have thought that I didn't mean it when I said I loved him, I'm not fucking confused, I know how I feel, and I know what I want! But it doesn't really seem like Adam does.

I mean seriously, he tells me he loves me, but doesn't mean it? Then he goes off saying that I'm confused and don't love him that I'm straight and he's gay. Um news flash Adam, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm fucking bi! Yeah I don't know if you really care, but yeah _I am in love with you_, I'm not fucking confused. I sigh loudly to myself, and then he said that he didn't want to hurt anyone, that he just wanted to help. I can understand that, I mean I was acting weird around him and we are best friends.

But are we really? I mean how much I do _really _mean to him? Lately he just acts like he doesn't give a shit. I mean he said all that stuff about still wanting to be friends, but when he acts like this, I think otherwise. I thought best friends were supposed to be closer, and treat each other like they mean something to them, not ignore them after they break the other's heart. The least he could do is talk to me after what he did. After….he told me we should pretend that we never slept together, that, that night had never….happened.

It meant nothing to him, nothing. He didn't care about what he said to me that night. He doesn't care how much his words hurt me; he doesn't care how much I wish he actually love him. He has no fucking idea how hard this is, the least he could have done was not have had sex with me in the first place, _he kissed me first! _But yet he was talking to me like it was my own fault, but still I did let myself get carried away….then again I really truly believed it when he said he loved me.

I really honestly believed that the sex meant more to him, that he actually felt the same way I did, but he would hardly look at me. Why did I let him do this to me? Why did I let myself get carried away by his words, his kisses, his touches, all of it just made me feel complete, I thought he felt the same, guess I was wrong.

I feel warm tears slide down my cheeks, no; no I don't want to cry anymore! Not over him at least! Anyone but him! He doesn't deserve my tears, he doesn't deserve my love, but yet my heart still years for his touch? Why did I have to fall for him? Why do I have to feel this way? WHY AFTER EVERY FUCKING LITTLE THING HE'S DONE TO ME AM I STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM! _"Because its love Tommy, love is a crazy thing, sometimes it can hurt like hell, sometimes it can be complete bliss, but if you didn't experience this horrible feeling called heartbreak, you wouldn't know true love."_

Shut the fuck up stupid little voice in my head, I don't want to listen to your stupid shit right now! I don't need this right now! _"Oh please you know I'm right!' _ You are not! Oh great, now I'm fighting with myself…isn't this great, I'm losing my fucking sanity, all because of _him! 'Just tell him you idiot!' _What? _'Just tell him how your feeling that you don't want to pretend that it never happened, that you're not confused, that it hurt you so badly when he spoke those words to you, that you are in love with him! What do you have to lose?' _

I sigh softly to myself, well the voice has a point, but seriously, I'm having a conversation with myself right now, I'm getting crazier by the moment. But…should I tell Adam everything? My pain, my love, everything that's been fucking bothering me ever since I realized I was in love with him? I sigh again, that I don't want to forget about that night, that it actually meant something to, that I thought he meant it when he said he loved me, that I'm tired of being hurt so badly?

As much as I wish I could I can't do that, I can't tell him everything, he wouldn't even care anyway, he'd just say something like you're confused Tommy, you don't know what you're talking about, you don't love me. But I do Adam, I love you so much with all my heart and soul, I would do anything for you, whenever you'd call I'd answer, even in my most horrible moments I still open my door for you, no matter how much you do to me. But yet, I don't think you'd do the same for me, I don't matter to you.

I stare at the ceiling above me, I've been lying on my floor for a while, I don't know how long though, time doesn't matter anymore. I sit up a little and look out my window, its dark out; I wonder what time it is. I pick up my phone 4:00 in the morning, lovely. I close my eyes, I try to sleep, I haven't had a full night of sleep, in….god I don't even know how long. I haven't been taking very good care of myself these past two weeks, I've basically just lied on my floor and drank my problems away, but alcohol can't solve everything. After I wake up from passing out, my problems are still there. I guess I've learned to try to face my problems head on.

But not with Adam, never with Adam, I can never seem to solve those problems. I'll never be able to, I love him, he doesn't love me, what else is to it? Nothing. I really wish my thoughts had on off button, because I can never seem to get to sleep because of them. I try to relax everything, and then I'm finally in a dreamless sleep. But it doesn't last very long, a few hours I'm awake again, staring at the ceiling with nothing but _him _on my mind.

I try to get up, but fail miserably, how long has it been since I've moved from this spot? I try to get up again, this time it works. I walk into my bathroom, I look absolutely horrible. Maybe I should take a shower that might make me feel better. I strip off my clothes and climb into my shower; I turn the warm water all the way up and let my body relax under the warm bliss of the water. After I'm done I climb back out of the shoulder and try to fix myself up in the mirror, I can't keep treating myself so horribly, it's not good for my health.

I walk out with the bathroom with a towel around my waste; I go into my room and put on a fresh outfit, jut black skinny jeans, and a hoodie. I go sit down in my living room and rest on my couch. I fall asleep a few minutes later, I'm finally able to relax and get Adam off my mind for once. I wake up a few hours to an annoying ringing noise, my phone. I grab it and attempt to answer it so I can get rid of that annoying noise. I press talk.

"Hello?" I ask in a sleepy tone.

"Tommy" It's Adam's voice, suddenly I'm wide awake.

"Um yeah?" I say.

"Um well, I just got back from a meeting and um hey gave me a concert dates and um I was wondering if you'd be able to play?" He asked.

"Um yeah, of course I'll be able to." I say.

"Um cool, so I'll just give you um a rehearsal date and then um we can practice them with the rest if the band." He says.

"Um okay cool." I say.

"Okay um our next rehearsal will be tomorrow at noon."

"Okay I'll be there." I say softly, I don't really know if I'm quite ready to see him yet, but I'm not just going to quit the band.

"Oh and Tommy?" He says.

"Yeah?" I ask.

"I'm really sorry I've been ignoring you."

"It's okay," I say, "I forgive you."

"Thanks," he says sounding a little relieved, "I guess all see you tomorrow then."

"Yup." I say.

"Bye." Then we hang up and I throw my phone on the floor. I stare at the celling, not able to fall back asleep, because now all I'm thinking about is him.

**There you go Chapter 8! :D I'm really on a roll with keeping up with posting chapters; I'm really having fun writing this, even if the only people reading this are my two friends….oh well :) At least they like it! Anyways I hope you liked it :D **

**~Sarah :) **


	9. I can't take this anymore

**I'm so proud of myself for keeping up with updates :) Just wanted to point that out :D Enjoy! :D **

** Chapter 9: I can't take this anymore**

I'm getting ready to leave for stupid fucking rehearsal, I don't want to go, but like I've said before, I'll do anything for Adam, no matter how much it hurts me, and if he wants me there I'll be there. I don't want to see him, I really don't, but I can't hurt him either. I'm not going to let my damn feelings get in the way of my career either, just because he hurt me doesn't mean I'm going to quit, I just have to pretend like everything's normal, that I'm not upset, that what he said didn't hurt me, but I doubt it will be that easy.

I sigh softly to myself as I apply my eyeliner and fix my hair, after I'm done I check in the mirror again to make sure I look presentable. I walk into my room and put on my grey hoddie and converse. Then I grab my car eyes and bass, and leave my apartment. I get into my car and drive to rehearsal. Once I get there I go and plug in my bass and play a few random chords. The rest of the band start pouring in after a while and we talk for a bit, tell each other what we've been doing since the last time we were together, I try not to talk that much, I'm not in the mood for talking.

Adam gets there about 15 minutes later, and he gives us the songs that we'll be playing, and we played through them to make sure we had the notes and melody down. I was mostly zoning out the whole time, I didn't want to be there, and it was really hard to pretend that I did.

"Okay," said Adam, "why don't we talk 10, then come back and play through the songs again." I set down my bass and stood there for a while, everyone else was off talking to each other or something like that, but I wasn't in the mood for socializing. I finally decided to just go get a drink of water, because people were starting to stare at me. Well I was in the middle of drinking my water Adam came up behind me and scared the shit out of me.

"Don't do that!" I coughed, "you scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry," He said softly, "I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's fine." I said flatly.

"Tommy is everything alright," He asked concerned, "you haven't said a word during rehearsal, you're usually so talkative."

"I'm fine." I say in monotone.

"You're lying." He spoke in that worried tone I hate.

"No, I'm not." I say flatly.

"Yes you are," He says, "why are you lying to me?"

"I'm fine!" I say louder, "just keep your nose out of my damn business!"

"Tommy what the fuck is your problem?" He asks, "Why are you acting like this?" I stare at him for the longest time; does he really want to know why I'm acting like this? Does he really want to know what's been going on inside in my mind for two fucking weeks? What I've been holding back? He's still looking at me, waiting for my answer, he has his arms crossed, he won't leave until he gets his answer.

"I-I just haven't been….feeling well lately." I say.

"Why?" He asks.

"I don't know." I say.

"Yes you do." He says.

"God, why do you keep doing that?" I say loudly.

"Doing what?" He asks.

"Putting your nose in my business!" I say even louder, "can't you tell I don't want to talk about it, god why can't you just leave me alone!"

"Tommy," He says, "I don't care how many times you tell me to leave, how many times you tell me to stop trying to find out what's wrong, I'm not going to stop, I care about you, no matter what happens Tommy, I'm not leaving, you're my best friend, and I won't stop until I know what's bothering you and the problem is fixed."

I stare into his eyes, so…he doesn't know he's the problem, he doesn't know how much he hurt me, god is he blind or something! How can he _not _know! Is he really that damn slow!

"It's you." I whisper.

"What?" He says.

"It's you!" I yell.

"What did I do?" He questions.

"Everything!" I yell, "First of all you had to fucking kiss me at the AMAs, and it fucking made me get these feelings that I didn't want to feel! And then you go and say that we should start kissing and flirting on stage, but you know just for the fans! That didn't fucking help at all! Then you go and be all cute and funny and charming and just fucking make me fall for you even more! Then when I was fucking ready to admit that shit about falling for you was real, it was too fucking late!" He was staring me I couldn't read his expression, I just couldn't hold back anymore, so I hope he's listening!

"And then you go and get a boyfriend which just makes everything else worse! Then I fucking try to call you and sort everything out, but that doesn't help at all, all it did was cause more stupid fucking problems! Then we went out and you get fucking wasted and you started making out with me! Then I brought you home, and then no matter how much I told you that you didn't want to, you have me a blow job! But you still fuckin blamed me for it! Hello, I'm the one who told you to stop!

"Then that one night when I was finally ready to tell you, you told me that you loved me when you didn't!" I was crying now, "and then you, well you know what happened after that, then when you told me all that shit about being confused and I was straight, and I didn't mean it when I said I loved you, it just made me want to punch you in the fucking face Adam! You have no idea how that felt! I'm not fucking confused; I know exactly what's going on! I got this huge crush on my gay boss, and it fucked everything up, do you think I wanted things to end up this way!"

"But even after you did all that shit, I still fucking love you! I don't know why, and I guess I never will, but I'm tired of fucking lying, pretending, and faking! I don't want to do that anymore! So listen to this Adam and listen good! I love you! I've always loved you, and I hate seeing you with other people, and when you told me that when you said you loved me you didn't mean it, it fucking broke my heart, and I did nothing but get drunk, and stare at my celling for the two weeks you ignored me! I didn't even want to come to rehearsal today, but I came for you! I'd do anything for you, no matter how much you hurt me, and I hate myself so fucking much for that!"

He was staring at me, eyes wide, I could see the shock and guilt on his face, but there was a lot more shock.

"T-Tommy I..-"

"Don't even." I said as I stormed out of the building just not giving a fuck anymore.

**Well there ya go Chapter 9! :D And um I would just like a moment to apologize to my friends, I'm really sorry I wouldn't tell you guys what was wrong. I've just been so emotional lately, I didn't mean to hurt any of you, I just really didn't want to talk about it. I love you guys 3 Anyways I hope you liked the chapter if you did, review, if you didn't, review :D And thank you to everyone who's reading my story, you don't know how much it means to me, and thank you for the reviews, it means a lot to me :) This story is really fun to write, and maybe I'll think of makin it have a happy ending ;) Hee Hee :D **

**~Sarah **


	10. I don't care anymore

** I went to a dance tonight, so I didn't really want to post a chapter, and cause I'm in a good mood and this is supposed to be depressing I don't think it's a good idea, but….I love you guys so much that I just had to post one :D You guys are lucky I love you so much ;) Enjoy! :D**

** Chapter 10: I don't care anymore**

I'm sick of this shit, I'm sick of all of it; I just couldn't handle it all anymore, so I told Adam, I told him _everything. _I mean I didn't really say it in the nicest manner, but he didn't deserve me being nice to me! He broke my fucking heart! And he didn't even know? God he can be so fucking slow sometimes! He's been trying to call me ever since I stormed out of rehearsal 3 days ago, he's texted me, called me, he's even tried to come here a few times, but I won't answer the door. I mean I feel really bad about ignoring him, but he kind of, deserves it right?

But then again, he didn't know what he was doing, so I shouldn't really blame him, should I? I sigh deeply; see what he does to my mind? Another major reason why I'm ignoring him, I just don't need any more drama, and it will be all awkward between us because now he _knows, he knows everything. _The only reason that he's probably trying to contact me is because he feels bad for me, well guess what Adam, I don't need your pity! You can just go fuck yourself for all I care, if you really cared about _my feelings _you would've spoken up sooner! _'Tommy he didn't know, it may be hard to believe, but c'mon you know how slow Adam is, and he cares for you so much, Tommy you mean so much to him, you really need to talk to him." _

Shut up, shut up, shut up! I don't need this right now! I mean how could Adam not have known, it was so obvious! _"Tommy seriously, you know how slow he is.' _Seriously he's not that slow, _'how do you know, maybe he is! Or maybe it was the fact that he fucking thought you were straight.' _Okay, okay the voice has a point, but why after a told him I loved him, he did _that? 'Well maybe it's because he must've freaked out because as long as he's known you you've been 'straight' maybe he just got confused and he wasn't willing to admit to himself it was real, so he decided to do what was comfortable and think oh he's just confused, he's straight, ever think of that Tommy.' _

Okay fine you have a point, well a good point actually but… _'No buts Tommy, you know I'm right!' _ I sighed, okay, okay you're right, but I'm still mad at him. I mean after all that's happened how could I not be mad at him? He messes with my brain, he breaks my heart, he just plain irritates me, but yet I still love him? I am so fucked up…

I sigh again, okay now should I talk to Adam or not? I mean I don't want to see him or talk to him, but I can't keep doing this t him, I poured my heart out but then ran away? I'm such a pussy. I just need to man up and talk to him, and maybe we can hopefully figure everything out…? I get up off my couch and pace back and forth, ok so do I call him, or do I not call him? If I call him then what do I say? Should I have him come over here, or should we just talk over the phone? I sigh again, goddammit why can't I fucking figure this out!

I look at my phone ok maybe I should just call him or maybe text him…? I can text him something like 'We need to talk' or something like that, yeah that will work! Hopefully…I put in Adam's number then type out the text 'Adam, we need to talk' _Send. _Okay, he hasn't responded yet, what do I do now? _'Wait.' _Yes that's a good idea I'll sit down and I'll wait for him to respond and hopefully then we can just figure everything out and we can just go back to normal….hopefully.

I wait 5 minutes still no reply, I wonder what he's doing, maybe his phone is off, maybe he's just ignoring my text…? Would he do that…? No he wouldn't do that, he's the phone whose been trying to get ahold of me for the past three days! 10 minutes past still no reply, what the hell is going on? Maybe his phone is off; wouldn't he reply by now if it was on? Maybe he's just busy; I mean he could be doing practically anything, and I don't control my life, I mean he doesn't HAVE to reply within one minute, but it's been 10, why isn't he replying? Okay you seriously need to chill out Tommy….

20 minutes still no reply, what's going on, I mean seriously, just fucking reply Adam! 25 minutes, no reply, c'mon just text me already! 30 minutes, no reply, why won't you fucking text me back Adam! Okay Tommy, you have to stop freaking out, he's probably still busy. 40 minutes later, no reply. 45 minutes later, no reply. 50 minutes later, no reply. 55 minutes later, no reply, 1 hour later, no reply. God, what time is it. I look at my phone 2:00 in the morning, oh no wonder he's not replying, he's probably sleeping. I lie on my couch and close my eyes calm yourself Tommy, he'll text you back eventually.

Soon enough I fall asleep and I don't know all long I was sleeping for, but I was awoken by a loud knock on my door, who the fuck could that be? Who comes to my apartment this late at night? I hesitantly got up hoping that there wasn't a serial killer behind my door, I look over at my clock it's 3:30 in the morning, seriously who the fuck is here? I walk over to my door and hesitantly open it, and guess he's standing there in my door way looking down at me, eyeliner running down his face and looking like shit, Adam.

**There ya go Chapter 10! :D I'm really having lots of fun writing this story and I'm getting so much support and positive feedback from it. I also love reviews, I read every single one of them, they never fail to make me smile, I really love all the support and positive stuff, and it's what keeps me writing :) You guys don't know how much I love you for reading my story, I really thought it sucked but once I found out people were reading it and liked it. It kept me posting. Thank you guys so much, I loves you :) I hope you liked chapter ten :D**

**~Sarah~ :) **


	11. Fall for You

**Chapter 11: Fall for You**

As I was staring at Adam in my doorway I couldn't help but reach over to him and wrap my arms around him. He sobbed into my shoulder and when he was like this I couldn't help but no be angry anymore, I mean how could I stay mad? I brought him into my apartment and closed the door behind us and we sat down on my couch. I let him cry into my shoulder and just completely fall apart. After his crying started to slow down, and it just turned into soft hiccups, he started to pull away from me and sit at the opposite end of the couch refusing to look at me.

"Adam," I whispered, "please just look at me." He didn't budge, he didn't look up, he just sat there, as I watched more tears fall silently down his face. "Adam, will you please talk to me?" He looked at me I could clearly see the pain in his eyes, why is he so upset, what happened? "Adam, what happened?" I questioned, "Why are you so upset?" He still wouldn't answer me, refusing to speak, why won't he talk to me? "Adam, why won't you talk to me?" He stared at me, I watched more and more tears find their way down his cheeks, "Please," I whispered, "talk to me."

"I-I", his voice was barely audible; "I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"You can't hurt me anymore then I've already been hurt," I whispered, "just tell me what's wrong."

"I'm a fucking idiot." He whispered.

"No you're not." I whispered.

"Yes I am!" he says louder, "I couldn't see what I was doing to you, I was hurting you even more day by day, and no matter how much I've tried to help, I've just made everything worse for you."

"You didn't make everything worse." I say.

"Yes I did," he says, "I fucked everything up, I just can't do anything right anymore, I couldn't even tell how upset you were, it's all my fault."

"Adam," I whispered, "it's not your fault…"

"Yes it is!" He almost yelled and look at me with tear filled eyes. I reached over to him and pulled him into a tight, warm hug, not willing to let go. He tried to fight me at first, but then son enough gave in and returned my hug. I slowly and carefully started to let go of him, and then look him in the eyes.

"Adam," I whispered, "it's _not _your fault, it was _never_ your fault, if anything it was my _own_ fault, I brought all of this upon myself, I'm the one we dragged you into this, you didn't know Adam, so don't blame yourself! I should've been honest with you from the start and told you how I was feeling, then maybe things would've worked out better, but I didn't because I was afraid something like this would happen, and Adam I don't want to hear you saying this is all your fault because all of this my fault." He stared at me for the longest time thinking of what to say next, he put his hand on mine, looked me in the eyes and softly kissed me on the cheek.

"It's not your fault either," he whispered, "you couldn't help it, if I was in your situation I would have done the same, I mean it's not easy telling someone you're in love with them, there's the fear of rejection, the fear that nothing will ever be the same between you and the other person, that it will all just end in heartbreak and you'll just get hurt in the end," He took a deep breathe, "I know that feeling, I know that feeling better than you think I do, and the last thing I wanted for you was to end up feeling like that, my last intension was to break your heart." I stared into his eyes; my heart was pounding in my chest.

"Tommy, when you admitted to me that you loved me, I was so stunned, because honestly, for the longest time I loved you, I loved you with all my heart, all I wanted to do was be with you, to wake up with you every morning, go to sleep with you every night, to kiss you whenever I wanted, not just on stage, I wanted you to be mine, and only mine, but I knew it could never be, I knew I was just going to get hurt in the end, because you were straight, or at least I thought you were." He sighed softly.

"So I told myself I had to get over you, that we were only friends, and that's all we'd ever be, so once I hid all of those feelings for you, I thought they were gone, I thought I'd never have to deal with them again and we could just be friends, the two of us, just friends. While doing this I had blinded myself to what you were feeling I had no idea what I was doing. When you told me you loved me all of those feelings I thought had disappeared came pouring out and I said that I loved you too, Tommy, when I said that, _I meant it." _ My heart beat even faster; oh my god is he serious?

"and then once we I realized what was happening, I panicked, I thought I was making you do something you didn't want to do and I realized I was cheating, so I made up some sort of weird theory in my head that you were just confused and that you didn't really mean it when you said you loved me, I just told myself that we were friends. Then I told you that I didn't mean it when I said I loved you, Tommy I have no idea why I told you that, but I guess I was just so panicked, I just decided to take the coward's way out and say I didn't mean it. I will hate myself forever for saying I didn't mean it." My face was red, my hands were shaking, I could swear I was about to cry, am I hearing all of this right? He _loves _me?

"A-Adam I-I…"

"Then when you told me all those things at rehearsal, it opened my eyes; it opened my eyes to everything, your pain, your feelings, just everything. I hated myself so much for hurting you, for putting you through all of that, and when you wouldn't respond to my texts or calls I assumed you hated me, and never wanted to see me again or something like that, but when you weren't talking to me I finally had time to think, and I realized how much I was really in love with you, how much I couldn't live without you, so I-I broke up with Sauli."

"You broke up with Sauli?" I asked shocked.

"Yes," he whispered, "I couldn't possibly give him all of my love when I obviously love you more." I smiled softly, I couldn't believe that he was saying all these things, this is a dream right?

"Adam," I whispered, "I love you so much, I love you with every inch of my heart, no matter what kind of shit you do I still can't help but love you, even though I was convinced that I hated you for doing all of those things to me, I still loved you, and I couldn't help but always have you on my mind and it pissed me off, I couldn't even think straight ever since I was willing to admit to myself I loved you, I don't even think I was able to think straight before that."

"I didn't want to be in love with you, I was scared it would ruin our friendship, I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same, so I just kept it all hidden, and didn't say a word, but it became harder and harder for me to do that, so when I had enough of it, I finally just called, you and I don't regret doing that anymore, because if I hadn't we wouldn't be sitting here together right now, and I'd probably still be hurting, but when I'm with you all the pain stops." He smiles softly, and cups my cheek softly then leans slowly in and touches his lips to mine. As he slowly pulls away he smiles softly.

"I love you," he whispers softly in my ear, "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner." I look into his love filled eyes, tears filling my eyes, they start to escape.

"I love you too," I whisper, "more then you could ever imagine." His smile grows wider.

"Why are you crying glitterbaby?" he says as he kisses my tears away.

"Because I'm so goddamn happy." I whisper and softly smile; he leans down and kisses me again and again and again. Then he's cuddling me in his arms, not willing to ever let go of me. After a while I realize how tired I am and I start to yawn.

"You tired glitterbaby?" He asks softly.

"Mmhm." I say softly.

"Ok," He whispers as he picks me up, "let's go to bed." He carries me into my room, and I change into some pajama pants and a shirt, Adam looks at me for a moment then takes off my shirt.

"I prefer you without a shirt on." He smiles. I roll my eyes at him, Adam just takes off his shirt then we climb into bed together and turn off the light. Once were in bed his arms wrap around me and right before a fall asleep he says those three words that make me smile and my heart beat faster.

"I love you glitterbaby." He says softly.

"I love you too, babyboy." I say softly, then I slowly fall sleep in his warm comforting arms, to the sound of his heartbeat.

**There you guys go! Chapter 11! Wasn't it cute? :) I personally loved writing the chapter, oh if only this would happen in real life, and we could watch. :D Anyways I'd like to thank anyone who's reading this, you mean the world to me :) and I'm loving the positive feedback, it's what's keeping me posting :D I'm also having some ideas for new stories even though I like to focus all of my energy on one story I might start working on them while I'm writing this one :D Anyways I hope you guys liked it! I love you all! :)**

** ~Sarah~ :)**


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